THE NEED TO BE LIKED

Since turning thirty, I've become a very reflective person. I examine my mental state daily, trying to question what's really going on whenever something sets off an alarm.

Lately, there's something that's been bothering me. I've been aware of it for quite a while, actually. I have this impulse to please people. Or, more precisely, to be liked by them.

I'm very conscious of this tendency, but I still don't know how to get rid of it completely.

I picture myself arriving at a friend's apartment. I say hi and briefly introduce myself to everyone. They all seem like cool, interesting people. But one of them, for some reason, is particularly unfriendly toward me.

I panic.

Sometimes it makes me anxious. Other times, sad. Sometimes both. But I can't quite put my finger on why.

So I find myself trying harder to make this person like me. Maybe I change my tone of voice. Maybe I smile more. Maybe I listen more carefully to what they're saying, making an extra effort to show that I'm paying attention.

All of this happens almost unconsciously. Until I notice what I'm doing.

And that's when things get worse.

I become even more anxious because I realize that none of it is working.

At this point, you might be thinking: "Well, since he's such a reflective person, and now he's conscious of what he's doing, he must feel disappointed in himself. Surely this is the moment when he starts acting normally again."

But I don't.

Realizing that this person doesn't seem to like me only makes me more anxious. Sometimes I try even harder to "win them over." Other times, I do the opposite: I avoid interacting with them as much as possible.

I can't even stand making eye contact.

On my way home, I find myself wondering why this particular person didn't like me.

Maybe it was something I did or said? Maybe it was something so small that I didn't even notice, but that somehow mattered to them. Maybe it's my looks? The way I talk? What could I have done differently?

I know how crazy all of this sounds. Believe me, I'm aware of it.

Being a reflective person is generally a good thing. But there's a point where reflection turns into something else. Where questioning your own behavior stops being a way of understanding yourself and becomes a way of tormenting yourself.

And I think I've crossed that line.

There's a big difference between reflection and rumination.

What's funny is that sometimes, after getting to know this person better, I end up telling them:

"I thought you didn't like me."

They look at me, astonished.

"Not at all! Why would you think that? Maybe I was having a bad day, or I had something on my mind..."

And there you have it.

Neither of us can really know what's going on inside someone else's head. We can make guesses, interpret gestures, read facial expressions, but that's about it.

So why do I keep trying to be a mind reader? A telepath or something?

Maybe it's not simply that I want people to like me, but that I struggle to tolerate the possibility that someone might not.

Although, thinking about it, I find it much easier to move on when I know for certain that someone doesn't like me, especially when I know why.

When that happens, I can evaluate their reasons, decide whether I care about their opinion, and eventually just say, "Fuck this person."

But when I don't know why, things get complicated.

It's the reason that I need.

I need to solve a problem that might not even exist, as if every ambiguous social interaction were a puzzle with a correct answer.

But what if there isn't one?

What if the person was just having a bad day? What if they genuinely dislike me? What if I'll never know why?

I can spend hours examining my own behavior, reconstructing conversations, searching for something I might have said or done wrong. And for what?

I've become pretty good at recognizing what's happening inside my head. Apparently, I'm not nearly as good at doing something about it.

I think it's time to seek some help.